From the Biblical Dinah to Cornell and Beyond: Resources for Your Classroom

1.Text study: “This, too, is Torah!”

SAY:

We will read a short story from the Talmud, which encourages us to think about sex and sexuality as sacred or holy. The Talmud is a foundational source of Jewish wisdom from the 6th century. Like many modern people today, the Talmud and its characters often use euphemisms to talk about sex. “Euphemism” means using a polite expression to avoid saying something that might be uncomfortable. You’ll hear two euphemisms for sex in this story – listen out for them as I read aloud.

Rav Kahana once went in and hid under his Torah teacher Rav’s bed. He waited until Rav and his wife entered the bed, then he heard them chatting and laughing while Rav did his needs. Rav Kahana said out loud: “One would think that Rav had never tasted a cooked dish before!” Rav said to him: “Kahana, are you here? Get out! This is rude.” Rav Kahanna replied, “This, too, is Torah, and I must learn it.” (Babylonian Talmud Brachot 62a)

LEAD a discussion using some of the prompts below or DIVIDE the group into pairs to discuss with one another. CHOOSE the questions that you think will best resonate with your group.

ASK:

• What is funny about this story? Surprising? Disturbing?
• What euphemisms are used to describe sex? (Answer: “doing his needs” and “tasting cooked food”)
• What do you like and not like about the way sex is described?
• How do you imagine Rav’s wife feels about this story?
• Why did Rav Kahana hide under Rav’s bed?
• Why do you think he felt he couldn’t directly ask his teacher any questions he had?
• How do teens today learn about sex? Do some ways strike you as more or less respectful? Helpful? Accurate?
• What do you think about the idea that sex, or learning about sex, is a matter of Torah?

SAY:

Wanting to learn about sex and talk about it is totally naturally, healthy, and helpful. Talking about sex and talking before, during, and after being sexual is also totally natural, healthy, and very helpful.

A lot of the time, young people (and often, adults as well) don’t have good avenues to talk about sex with trusted sources, just like Rav Kahana. Today a lot of young people turn to each other, social media, the internet, or sometimes pornography in an attempt to learn about sex. These can be unhealthy ways to learn, as they can be sources of misinformation and toxicity. In recent years, there has been a huge increase in teens’ access to violent, misogynistic, and incorrect content about sex. Many teens are genuinely confused about what is healthy and normal, what consent is, and how to engage in sexual activity with a partner respectfully.

I want you to know that you can come to me [and list other staff or clergy who would be available for this] with questions and concerns. While I am not a sex ed teacher, I am a Jewish teacher – and like Rav Kahana says, “This, too, is Torah.” If I don’t know the answer to a question, I will help you find it.

2. Yes Game: A Game About Verbal and Nonverbal Communication (20 minutes)

INVITE participants to stand in a large circle facing one another, making a large-enough circle that it takes at least three or four steps to walk the diameter.

SAY:

The goal of this game is to trade spots with other people in the circle with—and only with—their expressed permission. The catch is that nobody can speak except to say “yes.” Otherwise, you can communicate through facial expressions and eye contact but cannot say each other’s names, use your hands, or touch one another.

To start, one person (A) must make eye contact with another person (B). When B sees that they are being asked permission through eye contact, they say “yes,” and then A starts walking toward B’s spot in the circle. Before A gets there, B must choose another person (C) to make eye contact with and then when C says “yes,” B can walk toward her place. Then C needs to find a new spot, and on, and on.

When participants get the hang of the game, INSTRUCT them to be enthusiastic with their “yeses” and to try to keep upping the enthusiasm.

Facilitator’s Tip: It may take several runs before you find your rhythm—run the game a few times until they get the flow of it.

After a few minutes, call a PAUSE and re-form the circle. INSTRUCT participants to  repeat the activity with the same goal, but instead of saying “yes,” they have to find various nonverbal ways of expressing consent (head nod, smile, hand gesture, etc.). PLAY the silent version for a couple of rounds.

Optional: After a round of saying “yes” nonverbally, give the group the option of saying “no” nonverbally.

ASK:

• What did you enjoy about the game? What was difficult about it?
• How is the game different when we communicate verbally versus nonverbally?
• Was there any point when it was difficult to tell if someone was nonverbally saying yes?
• Why? What nonverbal communications were the clearest? The least clear?

SAY:

This was a game that was really about communication around consent.

ASK:

• What does the word “consent” mean to you?
• What did the “Yes” activity illuminate for you about consent and the ways consent can be communicated?
• What are other ways you can communicate consent or non-consent?

SAY:

(You can adjust the wording to fit your participants’ maturity and your own comfort level) Just as communication is the key to a good relationship, it is the key to a good sexual relationship. A good lover is a good listener. A bad listener is, at best, a poor lover, and at worst, a rapist.

Good listening means you listen to both verbal and nonverbal communication. If you are being physical with someone and what they’ve said out loud is “yes,” but they are not showing any enthusiasm in their body language, it’s best to stop and check in with them. Some people feel uncomfortable saying “no,” or are worried about hurting their partner’s feelings. If you’re not positive you’ve got someone’s enthusiastic consent, you shouldn’t go any further.

At the same time, we’ve seen from our game that sometimes nonverbal communication is less clear than verbal communication. There is a lot of power in speaking up and saying “yes” when we want something and “no” when we don’t. If you are feeling uncomfortable with a partner, it is best to use words (stop, let’s slow down, etc.) rather than try to communicate through body language.  

3. Tea Consent

PLAY the following video: “Tea Consent” (about 3 minutes; note that this video uses profanity several times.)

LEAD a discussion using some of the prompts below or DIVIDE the group into pairs to discuss with one another. CHOOSE the questions that you think will best resonate with your group.

ASK:

• What can we learn from this video?
• How is consent in sexual situations similar and different from consent in other contexts?
• What about sexual consent is simple? What about it is complicated?
• What if you don’t know what you want in the moment or you change your mind?
• What’s the cost of saying “no”? What is the benefit?
• How can you communicate with your partner about what you want and don’t want?
• How can you respond to your partner if they ask to do something you do not want to do?
• What language could you use?

4.Welcome to Hell Video

SAY:

This is an old video from SNL. It was originally made in the wake of the #metoo movement.

ASK:

• Has anyone heard of #metoo? What do you know about it?

SAY:

This was an international movement in which many women spoke out on social media about times they had been sexually harassed or assaulted, often by powerful men in Hollywood, politics, and business. The movement took off in late 2017 and showed how incredibly common these experiences were.

In this video, the SNL cast uses a cheerful, bubbly pop song to make a serious point about how much women have had to put up with while being expected to smile through it. The video parodies the music video styles for women performers in the 2010s.

PLAY video “Welcome to Hell” (Note: this video references sexual assault and uses some common but crude language for body parts.)

ASK:

• What are your reactions to the video? What stood out to you? What makes the video funny?
• Why, according to this video are women living in hell? (Some responses: they need to travel in a pack for safety; when walking home at night alone, they need to be on high alert for suspicious looking people wishing to cause them harm; they’ve had to fight for equal rights for hundreds of years; their voices are often silenced or ignored)?
• Do you think much has changed since this video was made in 2018?
• For girls, if they feel comfortable sharing: Do you relate to any of these descriptions of “hell”? What do you want boys to know about what it’s like to be a girl in the modern world?

Facilitator’s Tip: If you feel comfortable doing so, use your own experience to tell a safety story. Or, if you do not have an experience that you feel comfortable sharing or that is appropriate to share with the group, share a story about a friend. Sharing your own experience can make this conversation feel relevant for teens. Talk about how you knew you felt unsafe and what you did about the situation.

• What are some things that we in this room can do to make the world less of a “hell” for women and girls?

5. The Continuum of Misconduct

LABEL four large flip chart papers and hang them around the room:

1. Respectful behavior
2. Disrespectful, uncivil, or rude behavior
3. Harassing behavior
4. Assaultive behavior

SAY:

In light of the Cornell rape case, people have been talking more about consent and the experience of being a young woman on a college campus. Today, we’re going to do an activity about the continuum of misconduct.  

For this activity, the flip chart papers on the wall represent points on the spectrum, starting with respectful behavior and ending with assaultive behavior.

Starting with just the first two flip chart papers (respectful and disrespectful behavior), INVITE participants to call out behaviors that fall into each of those categories. For instance, for “respectful behavior,” they might call out holding a door open for someone, asking someone about their weekend, etc. For #2 (disrespectful, uncivil, or rude behavior) they might call out aggressively pushing past someone without saying sorry, interrupting someone while they are talking, etc.

Facilitator’s Tip: This is where the age of your group matters a lot. Let them take the lead in sharing examples and try your best to match where they are developmentally with the level of detail and the explicitness of your examples. At the same time, it’s important to be specific and not too vague. It’s also okay to be honest about confusion and gray areas. You can also place examples between two flip chart papers on the wall if they are in a gray area.

ASK:

• How can you tell the difference between a respectful or disrespectful behavior?

Now go to flip chart papers #3 and 4 (harassing and assaultive). INVITE participants to call out behaviors that would fall into the category of harassment (such as unwanted flirting or touching, someone repeatedly asking to go out with or have sex with you) and “assaultive behavior” (such as rape or attempted rape, unwanted sexual touching).

Facilitator’s Tip: If participants seem unsure of what falls into this category, share the following definition of sexual harassment, and sexual assault, also found on the #MeToo Terminology Reference List.
Sexual Harassment: Refers to “unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature [usually] in a workplace or learning environment”(RAINN, “Sexual Harassment”).
Sexual Assault: A general term used to refer to any kind of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent (RAINN, “Sexual Assault”). Sexual assault includes rape or attempted rape, fondling or unwanted sexual touching, and forced sexual acts (including oral or penetrative sex).

After taking a few responses for each behavior, READ some of the following behaviors and ask participants to collectively identify which flip chart they belong to (feel welcome to make up some of your own as well).

• holding a door open for someone
• kissing someone on the cheek
• giving someone a hug when they tell you they don’t like hugging
• cutting in line
• asking for a nude photo
• asking repetitively for a nude photo
• touching someone on the butt
• asking someone on a date
• asking someone repetitively on a date
• texting someone you have a crush on to come over and hook up with you
• flirting by putting your hand on someone’s leg
• telling someone they are hot
• telling a group of friends that so and so is “asking for it”/is dressed like a slut
• an advisor or teen professional at your synagogue telling you that you look hot
• calling someone a slut or other derogatory term

ASK:

• How can you tell the difference between disrespectful behavior and harassment? Harassment and assault?

Facilitator’s Tip: When asking this question, draw attention to any behaviors that are repeated across the sticky notes as a way of showing that the boundaries aren’t always so clear or may depend on context.

DIVIDE participants into small groups to discuss the following questions, or DISCUSS as a full group if you prefer:

• What do you find helpful/unhelpful about this continuum?
• What might be a warning sign that behavior transitions from #2 on the continuum to #3? #3 to #4? (e.g., if “asking someone on a date” is in “respectful behavior,” ask the group “what would have to happen for asking someone on a date to become disrespectful behavior or even harassment?”)
• When does context matter and when doesn’t it? (Note that the age of those involved and the nature of their roles does matter, especially legally. That said, peers of the same age and in equal status roles can still hurt each other, harass each other, and assault each other.)

SAY:

It can be difficult to tell where someone’s behavior falls on the continuum, and it’s possible for the same type of behavior to fall on different parts of the continuum for different people, based on our personal boundaries. Because of this, it’s important to be aware of times when someone’s behavior is making us uncomfortable. Sometimes a behavior might start as something that doesn’t seem severe, and for many reasons (e.g., we are being polite) we might ignore it. While it’s not in our responsibility or ability to control another person’s behavior, we can equip ourselves to recognize warning signs of sexual harassment/assault, and strategize about what to do if we or someone we know is being harassed/assaulted.

Facilitator’s Tip: It’s unfortunately fairly normalized for guys to request nude photos and pictures from girls. It’s important for girls to know that to ask someone for an inappropriate photo or to talk to them or about them in a sexual way can be harassment, especially if the person asking is older/in a position of power, and especially if that person asks for the photo repeatedly. To start a conversation about this, ask participants where, “requesting a nude photo,” and “requesting a nude photo repeatedly” might map onto the Sticky notes.  Also, depending on your local laws, you may want to warn your teens that sending, receiving, keeping, or forwarding a nude image of anyone under 18, including yourself or another teen, can be a very serious crime. In some places it can actually be charged as a felony under child pornography laws, with possible sex offender registration. Other states treat it as a lesser offense. Forwarding someone’s image without their consent is treated especially seriously almost everywhere.

Additionally, the cultural conversation thus far around sexting has generally been: “Girls, don’t send photos,” a conversation that needs to shift (and is slowly shifting) toward: “Guys, stop asking for photos.” It’s important for girls to know that the people asking for the photos are a large part of the problem—the problem does not just have to do with sending photos. (For more information see: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/02/well/family/teenagers-stop-asking-for-nude-photos.html )

If it seems like it will be helpful for your group, consider practicing a few ways that they could say no to the pressure to send an inappropriate photo or responding to someone talking to/about them or other girls/women in a sexualized way.

6. Putting Jewish Wisdom into Context (20–25 minutes)

Facilitator’s Tip: For this activity, you may decide to ask participants to work individually, in pairs, in groups, or as a large group, depending on the size and energy of your group. In some communities, this may work best if you give participants the option of working with someone of the same gender or in a mixed group. Avoid splitting your group into just boy and girl pairs, however, as that will leave non-binary teens with nowhere to go (and you may not know who is non-binary or questioning their gender!)

PRINT a set of Jewish Wisdom (JW) and Context (C) cards, found here.

SPREAD OUT Jewish Wisdom (JW) cards face up on the floor or across a table, so girls can easily read all cards. STACK the Context (C) cards face down, like a card deck.

SAY:

This activity will involve thinking critically about Jewish wisdom in relation to real- world contexts having to do with dating, sex, and sexuality.

INSTRUCT each participant, pair of participants, or group of participants to take one C card. Then INSTRUCT them to pick a JW card and prepare an answer to one or more of the following discussion questions about their C card and chosen JW card:

• How can a teen practice this Jewish wisdom in this context?
• What might be helpful/problematic about practicing this Jewish wisdom in this context?
• How might practicing this Jewish wisdom in this context affect teens?

Facilitator’s Tip: You may wish to write these 3 questions on a flip chart paper or whiteboard. Emphasize that there is no one right or wrong answer to these questions and there are many different ways to connect the cards.

REPEAT until all C cards are drawn (or stop after two or three rounds if you are tight on time).

Now, INVITE each teen, pair, or group choose one or more of their Jewish Wisdom and Context pairs to share with the full group.

ASK:

• How was it to think about romantic and sexual situations in connection with Jewish wisdom?
• Have you ever drawn upon Jewish wisdom or Judaism when thinking about relationships and sex before now?
• Are there guidelines or wisdom that you have used to guide your sexual/romantic decision making?
• Where have those guidelines come from? How might having such guidelines help your decision making? Hinder it?
• Is there any Jewish wisdom we discussed in this activity that particularly stood out to you/ that you think you’ll bring into your process of sexual decision making?