Processing Grief: Commemoration and Kaddish

Background

Note to the facilitator: While it is likely teens are hearing about the Bibas family on news or social media sites, be careful to avoid assuming everyone has the same information. We suggest that you start by asking participants what they have heard or already know. Then give a brief overview of the events to ensure that everyone knows the basic background information. It is recommended to avoid vivid or graphic details, especially as the focus of this activity is commemoration. 

Materials

• Rocks (1 per participant) — flat smooth rocks such as “Lifetop” rocks are best, which you can order from any art supply center 
• Assorted paint markers 
• Protective covering to protect any tables/floors 
• Yahrzeit candles or tea lights (1 per participant) and a way to light them
• Handout:
  • Mourner’s Kaddish (1 per participant), or use your own siddurim/prayerbook

Art Activity:

SAY:

As we face this painful moment, we can give honor and respect to the victims by remembering the lives that they led. We will take a moment to hold in mind the Bibas family and allow ourselves to feel grief for their passing.

Remembering positive details of the people we’ve lost is one way we can keep their memory alive. Here are some quotes from the Hostage Family Forum on the victims. (Share as much as is appropriate for your group. As Shiri has not yet been returned, you may choose not to read her description with the other victims.)

• Oded was a journalist and peace activist who helped found Kibbutz Nir Oz. He dedicated his life to helping others and transporting sick Gazans to Israeli hospitals, and his grandchildren called him ‘Super Grandpa’ for his wisdom and love. 
• Shiri was a dedicated mother and accountant, known for her boundless kindness, who nurtured and cared for all the kibbutz children. She touched everyone’s heart with her capacity for giving and love for others. 
• Ariel, just four-year-old when kidnapped, loved Batman and playing with tractors in the garden.
• Baby Kfir, not-even-one-year-old when taken, had gorgeous red hair and a smile that could melt any person.

SAY:

Think about what you just heard and try to hold in mind one specific detail about one of the victims that you would like to remember. We will use this to do an art activity in honor of the victims. Give me a thumbs up when you have identified one small, positive detail to remember.

WAIT until most participants have given you a thumbs up.

ASK:

• Does anyone want to share the detail they want to remember?

After participants share if they want to, DISTRIBUTE rocks and paint markers. SPREAD protective covering over any surface.

SAY:

If you have visited a Jewish cemetery, you have probably noticed that people leave stones on gravesites.

ASK:

• Does anyone know why people leave stones, or can offer their own interpretation of why?

SAY:

There are many ways to interpret this custom, and no one knows for sure why Jews have this custom. One way to think about it is that stones last forever, while flowers are quick to wither away. Leaving a stone is a way of symbolizing that the memory of the person will last forever. It’s also a way to show that someone has visited recently and is thinking of the deceased.

Since we cannot visit the graves of the Bibas children or other victims of the war in Israel and Gaza today, we will decorate a rock in their honor. Using the paint markers, you can write the names of the two confirmed victims, or a specific word about them that you are choosing to remember, or you can draw something in their memory. You do not have a lot of space, so do not try to draw something realistic or detailed. You can think abstractly or symbolically. Pick a simple design or a few colors to represent what you want to say.

ALLOW a few minutes for participants to decorate their rock. Ask for volunteers to SHARE about their designs. Consider DISPLAYING the rocks publicly for the community or inviting participants to keep their rocks in their pockets for week of mourning, representing the shiva that was not observed for them at the time of their deaths.

SAY:

Please come up and take a memorial candle and a printout of the Mourner’s Kaddish. (When everyone has a candle, continue . . .) 

As we light our candles, please keep in your own mind a detail about how the victims lived, or a memory of them you want to keep alive. We will hold in our hearts all the lives lost in this tragedy, even as we say aloud just these two. Today we are focusing on the Bibas family, but many of us are also holding the heaviness of so many other deaths since October 7. You are invited to hold in your heart the fullness of those lost lives, which include Jews, Palestinians, Bedouins, Thai workers, Druze, and others.

After candles have been lit, continue . . .

SAY:

Traditionally Jewish headstones are inscribed with the acronym תנצב”ה (tav, nun, tsadee, bet, hey), which stands for “may their soul be bound up in the bundle of life.” We can help the victims be bound up with life by remembering their legacy and saying Kaddish in their memory. Please rise and say or respond to the Mourner’s Kaddish with me by saying the words in bold as we come to them.  If you do not know the words, you can join in for just “Amein,” which our tradition teaches, if said with sincerity after someone else’s prayer, is considered as equal to saying the prayer itself.  

Facilitator’s Tip: If there is a safe place to leave the candles burning for the rest of the day or if it is safe to send teens home with the candle, that may be a meaningful reminder for them throughout the anniversary. To conclude the session, consider leading one of the songs on the back of the Mourner’s Kaddish handout (“Acheinu” is traditionally said for hostages; “Oseh Shalom” or “Od Yavo” for peace; and “HaTikva” is the Israeli national anthem.)